I have a confession.
When it all started
It started a couple of years back when i met him. Now i met both of them at around the same time but i never knew that he was in a relationship with her. I knew he was in a relationship because he had said so, but with her? Nope. I didn’t even have a clue.
Now i know all of this sounds very ridiculous and some of you are judging me but i need you to understand something. I have never had anything like this with anybody. Not even with the guys i have dated and the ones that i have even truly been in love with. It’s been three years. Three years since i found something that is almost difficult to put into words. People i have dated even after him have never been able to compare.
Why i fell
What is it about him that makes this girl so absolutely in love with him? Well, i’ll explain as best as i can. He makes me feel safe. He makes me remember what love should feel like. He makes me love myself on days that i forget how to. He is able to do certain things to me that i refuse to confess to. Those things are for both of us only. They are too sacred for me to confess too.
There was this one time that i had to just leave that space. For months, i didn’t text or call and neither did he. It was an intentional thing to an extent. I don’t know if i ever told him this, but i always felt like i was his dirty little secret. He would post his girlfriend and i just wanted somebody to love me out loud.
Even up till today, when he posts her, i hate myself. Because i feel like i’m selling myself short. I feel like i’m this dumb woman that is in his life with no label and no exact purpose except to be available when nobody else is. But, he makes me feel safe. He brightens my smile just a bit more.
Sometimes i tell him about how i feel about our situation and what he tells me is “why would he continue this for so long if he was just toying with me all this while?”. And that is the same question i ask myself too. But it doesn’t make sense right? It doesn’t make sense to be so in love with somebody that is taken yet you compare every other guy to him. It doesn’t make sense that a part of my heart will always and forever belong to him even if we never find ourselves with each other.
It doesn’t make sense that even if something happens with his present relationship, i’d be very reluctant to actually be with him for fear of karma yet i find myself sometimes wishing to get to that point and just deal with the karma that comes with it. It doesn’t make sense that i am in love with somebody that reminds me how to love and what love should feel like yet he would probably never love me the way he loves her. It just doesn’t make sense right?
My Confession
I know i’m his little secret, he says I’m “his” but i also want to be his lover openly. I know that will never happen but a girl can only dream right? I do not want any advice, i just want to be able to tell my story without people knowing who i am. This is my confession.
Girllllll. Oof. Well this really is a judge free space so i am not judging you. For some reason, i feel ya. Anyway, that’s it guys. I am NOT going to say anything about this confession. I am NOT going to add my two cents. I am just going to let the world see this confession. Love it!
Would you stay in love with somebody who could never be yours or is she setting herself up for a major heartbreak?
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